Hands Off Me

This morning I woke up with a heavy heart. On my mind was a subject that isn't pleasant for most people, especially if you have been a victim of it. I debated whether or not to post about it today or choose something more lighthearted. I decided to go with it, because I feel there was a reason it was on my mind and hopefully someone reading this may be able to take something from it. Abusive relationships are never a hit discussion, but for the sake of staying true to myself I'm going there anyways. 

All of the videos I'm posting below have served as inspiration to me at some point. Whether as strength or awareness. Music is a wonderful way to touch someone. 

I was in the pattern of abusive relationships for years and people would ask "why don't you just leave?". If only it were that simple! If that's the only way of "love" and life you have known, stepping out of that comfort zone,  no matter how hellish; is frightening. Abuse comes in multiple forms, not just the kind that causes an ER visit. Too many times people don't speak up. This includes the silent and often overlooked male victim. Abuse is an equal opportunity devil. I could go on and on about this, but will instead provide a link that contains a lot of helpful information. If you are living this nightmare yourself or know someone who is, please take the time to visit and share the information. 

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm

The following is an excerpt from an essay that I wrote one semester for English. You'll see that I learned early on that the world is sometimes a F'd up place and that bad things do happen to the innocent and good.

I was only a couple days shy of 14 and so far from the somewhat jaded yet empowered woman that I am now. He had just turned 21 and when he turned the full wattage of that charming smile on me, I didn’t stand a chance. All I knew is that he chose me and that obviously meant I was special. He secretly held my hand, and maybe the possibility of getting caught had some appeal. My very first kiss was quickly followed by the loss of my innocence. It happened in a blur. His lips met mine and then it snowballed, I sensed where it was going and tried to protest. Pressing his palm over my mouth he silenced me, while the other hand held my wrists and arms over my head. How did that backseat grow into such a frightening place? The shock of pain when he took what I could never get back had my body shaking. Tears and sweat all mixed together. I was a child, no competition for a man. He was not at all gentle; he took his time breaking me physically. The one time his hand moved for a second I tried to let out a cry for help. This only served to anger him and I heard the smack before the sting on my cheek registered; I never thought it would be like this. A girls first kiss should be memorable, but not because it’s tainted by rape and her first taste of violence. He set the low standard of what would become a pattern in the men I chose to let into my life. I always seemed to attract that same type of male. I consciously won’t use the word “man”, because any male that needs to put down a weaker person in order to soothe their ego isn't considered one. Each one had a great wrapping paper to them, but when you get to the core of things and it was all in the open; it was ugly. I used to think it was just them that were the problem, but in retrospective it was mostly me. If I couldn't love and respect myself, why should I expect anyone else to? That cycle was eventually ended when I had my first child. During an incident that involved a gun being placed to my head by an ex while I was holding her, I found a will to fight; to say enough is enough. 

 Memories don't fade and the pain tied to them doesn't always heal. They can alter you though. I chose not to let those people or experiences hinder me more than they already had, I would learn from them. I am outspoken and stubborn; I don't allow myself to be a doormat for anyone. I could have turned into a hard, bitter person, but I rebel against that and love instead. I share my life, my pain, and my joys. To see that I have overcome obstacles and abuse may give just one person the hope or strength they need to protect themselves. I had initially intended to dive deeper into this, but think I may do a follow up. I can feel myself starting to get upset and I don't want to end my night or post on a negative note. I'll close with something I wrote years ago about my last abusive ex. He was the last straw for me and the reason I can say I am done with taking that kind of bullshit from any man. 

Cowering in a corner. 
Hands over head 
Curling up into myself 
Thinking if I can make myself 
small enough 
you just may not see me. 

Yanked up by hair 
Feet pedaling 
trying to stay grounded.. 
putting my weight down 
not enough to 
stop you from dragging. 

Feel your fingers 
digging deep 
holding me firm by arms 
pinned back 
"honey where’d you get those bruises?" 
just clumsy daddy 
those were the small fingerprints 

made sure to never leave your mark obvious 

Hand pulling my chin 
forcing me to look 
eyes of yours 
cold and remote 
face red 
rage 
smell of stale alcohol 
sweat 
still makes me ill 

Gut would clench 
when I heard the door shut 
and latch 
knew you were coming 

boots on back 
fist in side 
open palm on cheek 
except those occassions 
you were too far gone 
to remember 
those cant be easily covered 

you behind me 
a shove 
face into the pillow 
weight of you on me 
tears hot 
no one hears 
you make sure of that 
hands on thighs 
rough touch 
makes me shudder 
just get it over with 
leave your mark 
on my back 
kiss my temple 
fucker 

On floor face up 
You straddling 
Crushing chest 
Hands on neck 
And at first I fight 
hands flailing 
striking out 
no use 
against your strength 

Become detached 
Hearing becomes muffled 
Seeing stars 
Your mouth still moving 
Im sure speaking 
your verbal slew 
Thinking why not just go with it? 
It’ll be over soon enough 

I got out 
Carried out yes 
But away from you 
and stayed gone 
Outward wounds healed 
Some scars inside and out 

Changed 
vowed never again 
and it hasnt 

Think you can come around here 
intimidating? 
Loud and tall 
Calling up those ghosts. 
Step up into my space 
Didnt expect I wouldnt waver 
did you? 
No fear here 
Didnt even have to raise 
in defense. 
Im hands off to you 
Saw it in my eyes 
I dare you... 

That’s right 
turn around 
find someone else 
weak 
not me anymore 

Only abuse i take may be self inflicted.... 

I'd love to hear from anyone out there who has a story.