F to the 3rd Power (Adult Content)

FREAKY FEMALE FRIDAY!!

How many of  you have read the latest erotic sensation "50 Shades of Grey"? It's being dubbed as mommy porn by many. I personally feel that rubs me the wrong way. You don't hear online adult films or Playboys being referred to as "daddy porn". Why do they feel the need to differentiate female erotica? I think every female whether you carry a mommy card or not, can benefit from some X rated action or literature. 

I started to read the 50 Shades of Grey series. I only got partially through the first book. I found it a tad slow and almost...juvenile? I'm not sure if that's the right term. Perhaps it was too sweet and passionate for my liking. There is a scene that involves light bondage and includes the F word a couple of times. I didn't even break into a sweat while reading it. My heart rate didn't kick up at all. You can find the excerpt for that here  http://darhkportal.com/2012/04/frisky-friday-fifty-shades-of-grey-excerpt-with-giveaway

Actually, now that I think about it... it's probably because I've lived out that scene in my sex life. So I'm not reading anything considered a fantasy. Truthfully, in my opinion,  my own personal experience was much hotter and explicit. Maybe that's why I found the above to be lacking. The reviews on the book series seem to be good though so it must be working for a lot of women! 

The one series that I absolutely L-O-V-E-D (as in have read it over and over) is the Anne Rice Sleeping Beauty Trilogy. I like that it's such a naughty twist on a classic. Shame on her for making Beauty such a hussy! In this version the Prince wakes her with much more than a simple kiss. 

"Here the Prince reawakens Beauty, not with a kiss, but with sexual initiation. His reward for ending the hundred years of enchantment is Beauty's complete and total enslavement to him."

They aren't kidding when they say total enslavement either. It's full on kink with a interesting story line. I'm wide open about sex and not much about it causes me to blush, but this book does at times. One of the  main things I dig about it is how utterly graphic and visual it is. When she talks about Beauty being punished by a whip, my own bum starts to burn. It's that vivid. Throughout all 3 books in this trilogy there is S&M. Master and slave dynamics. Beauty starts her journey as a scared and naive girl who is unfamiliar with sex. By the end she owns her sexuality and rocks it out! My kinda girl. I certainly got some ideas from this set not to mention got me thinking of things I haven't tried but would like to!

A friend of mine recommended The Black Dagger Brotherhood series. I haven't read it yet but am looking forward to it after her gushing (pun totally intended) review!

" Black Dagger is about vampires. There art 10 books so far. If you're like me and can read a book every few days you will love that theres always one to come. Literally, he he."

If any of my readers have suggestions to add to the readers list please comment below!

So, we hit on written erotica. How about actual porn ladies? Is it a thumbs up or down? For me personally it's a must and pretty much a part of my weekly routine. I don't have time for the real deal usually so this a great and ever changing way for me to get mine. I don't know if any of you are familiar with those kinds of sites, but they mostly cater to the other sex. There is usually a section for women specifically. In my experience those videos are usually booooring. I don't mind romance and all that in my real life but when I'm watching a video I want the nitty gritty animalistic stuff! Am I the only one? I've been told I think like a fella so maybe I'm just sexually twisted, LOL. 

I'd love to get some feedback on the female's viewpoint on "Self Lovin" so if you're up to it please take a moment to participate in my survey!

In the spirit of FREAKY FEMALES here is some musical inspiration :)

"Express yourself, don't regress yourself"

Still one of my fave dirty songs!

This one does have explicit language so bypass it if you are easily offended! I like it ;)

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me"

** I hope that no one here was offended, but I DID put that it contained adult content in the title!

Just as an FYI I would love to do a relationship/love/sex/advice post weekly if at all possible, so if you have any ideas or suggestions for that please let me know! Thanks!**

<3 Thena

Diamond Candle Giveaway!!

  

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If you've been wanting a Diamond Candle, here's your chance!

Bargain Hound and My Frugal Wife are hosting a Diamond Candle giveaway!

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The winners will have their choice of scent from the Diamond Candles website!

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This will run from 6/29 at 12:01 am EST through 7/13 at 11:59 pm EST.

This is open to US residents only. Good luck everyone!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Day #8: The Case of Adam & Eve

Versus Adam & Steve/Eve & Eve is now in session!  

Day #8 asks the controversial question "What are your views on gay marriage?"

When I first decided I would answer this as part of TBC I post it on my Facebook so that I could gather some input from my own group of friends and acquaintances. I have friends from all walks of life so I figured there would be a good chance that there would be a difference in opinions. I was right, but am glad to say that the majority of my friends are open minded and accepting regardless of what society and the law may have to say about "gay marriage". 

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?  ~Ernest Gaines

" let em be happy...i was raised in church and i know the bible speaks about homosexuality and all, but i ain't the one doin it so let them do them...long as they happy i ain't gonna throw bible verses at em.  Besides, i would be upset if the script was flipped and they were talkin all this stuff saying how i shouldnt be married and heterosexual marriage is wrong...so treat people like you want to be treated. you hear it all your life so why not just apply it to everything and not just what will benefit you...ok im done now"

"I have women that I like alot and that mean alot to me who are homosexual. Now saying that, I stand by Gods word on this. So it comes to I dont believe in them getting maried, however, they have to face God and if they are not right with Him then they know the deal. I also think that it is a bio messup. Humans were created to be man with woman and woman with man. Whether it is a gene thing or the wiring in their head is messed up. I dont care what they do in the bed room, just do me a favor and leave it there. Being gay has become the new fad of the past few years. I cant look at a rainbow the color purple with out thinking about homosexuals. Now im hearing that I cant refer to my self as a bear as in the big fur animal. because in the gay world that means a big hairy gay guy. Well i am big, I am hairy and i am a guy, but I am far from gay. I love being with women in a sexual way way too much. So as for the people in of themselves I have no problems and like a few. But as for the culture, I wish it would go back underground."

Deuteronomy 1:17 NIV

Do not show partiality in judging; hear both small and great alike. Do not be afraid of any man, for judgment belongs to God. Bring me any case too hard for you, and I will hear it.

Luke 6:37 NIV

[Judging Others] [6:37-42pp -- Mt 7:1-5] "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

 "I believe in letting anyone be happy with whom they choose.  No matter gay, strait, bi ,transgender. No one should be allowed to dictate what makes you happy, no matter what your sexual choices may be. Church and state should stay out of it."

Who would give a law to lovers?  Love is unto itself a higher law.  ~Boethius, The Consolation of Philosophy, A.D. 524

"Homosexuality occurs all throughout nature where animals only have sex for producing offspring not for pleasure. How is it not natural in our species then? I honestly believe it is genetic mutation and we are born with our choice of which sex we are attracted to. Do you really think some 12 year old boy really wants all his straight friends to laugh at and joke him because he's not attracted to girls? As far as gay marriage goes,there have been forms of marriage long before the Western idea of religion was.around.(just google"history of marriage") And if religious people are worried about ruining the "sanctity" of marriage,maybe they should stop getting divorced so much. I just feel we should just let each other live their own lives and not try to push our ideals upon everyone we meet. Oh,yeah-if there's someone out there who doesn't like homosexual people,tell them to let straight people know to stop having gay babies! And another thing-this country was founded on religious freedom so how about people respect that!"

"The way I look at it is it doesn't effect the way I live my life! And if its what makes someone happy let them be who they are!"

"Whatever makes that person truly happy . Me personally, I have never understood the big deal about it."

The important thing is not the object of love, but the emotion itself.  ~Gore Vidal

" I don't agree with homosexuality or gay marriage, but I don't judge the individual."

•  "What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Sexual orientaion should not have an affect on how a person is viewed. If two people in love want to get married then no one should have the right to tell them not to. Society needs to learn how to stop focusing on sexual preferences and focus on the actual issues. child obesity, obesity in general. Take up a real cause that can help make the world a better place instead of invading into a certian group's personal life."

War.  Rape.  Murder.  Poverty.  Equal rights for gays.  Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting?  ~The Value of Families

"In my experience with marriage, everything was great until we said, "I do" and things became quite miserable.

I don't personally agree or condone homosexuality and I'm not going to try to stop them. But I say that if the heterosexual individuals are going to be miserable married, give the homosexuals the same opportunity to be just as miserable ... lol"

All LOVE is equal

The above pictures state how I feel about the question at hand. I grew up in a Christian household and was taught that homosexuality is a sin. As an adult though I am fairly disillusioned with the "Christian/Church". I realize just how much hypocrisy there is among them. The heart sometimes leaves you no room to control how you feel. It just knows what it wants. I believe that the gender of who we sleep with, fall in love with, or want to marry is such a trivial thing in the grand scheme of things. Like one of my friends said, there are so many other issues are country and society faces that need to be dealt with. Homelessness, domestic abuse, hunger, war. That list goes on for miles. People are always saying how they want peace, or to be true to yourself. Yet, they contradict themselves by trying to place barriers for others such as homosexuals.    We have come through race discrimination and the fight for women's rights.Why is this any different and why are they still having to fight for equal treatment? Good grief. I find it to be a sad reflection on us as a whole. I think it's high time that we expand our thinking and level of acceptance.
I LOVE the below quotes and find it quite fitting to my sexual personality:
Labels?  Okay, fine.  I'm bisensual.  Heteroflexible.  And life-curious.  That about covers it.  ~Morgan Torva
My sexual preference is often.  ~Author Unknown

Oh and this one!!

My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.  ~W. Somerset Maugham

Some more nuggets of opinion to think on!
If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work:  "Hello.  Can't work today, still queer."  ~Robin Tyler 
Everybody's journey is individual.  If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy.  The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality.  ~James Baldwin
In itself, homosexuality is as limiting as heterosexuality:  the ideal should be to be capable of loving a woman or a man; either, a human being, without feeling fear, restraint, or obligation.  ~Simone de Beauvoir
Labels are for filing.  Labels are for clothing.  Labels are not for people.  ~Martina Navratilova
Bisexuality is a blessing and a curse, but viewing it as a schizophrenia will make you insane.... I am not a whole person with split desires: I am a whole person with desire.  As everyone is, regardless.  ~Agavé Powers
Never be bullied into silence.  Never allow yourself to be made a victim.  Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.  ~Harvey Fierstein

I don't mind a good debate, so welcome you to comment with your opinions. I just ask that you do so in a respectful manner if at all possible. I don't encourage hate or discrimination on my blog. And since I'm boss here, what I say goes! :)

Thena

S.O.S This is the USS Overwhelmed

Mayday! Mayday! Single mother in desperate need of sanity! Does anyone copy?!

I like to think that I can handle most things and keep it together, but today is a shitty wake up call and I am bawling my eyes out right now. I am 500% overwhelmed as a parent. I wrote a post about 3 weeks explaining how my children behave. Today has been the return of Satan spawn. Actually, it's been building up and gaining momentum since my last post but today it came to a head. I am so emotionally and mentally distraught right now I have to keep deleting things as I type because I keep making mistakes. 

This past weekend was fairly decent. We had my sons ball games and the girls dance recitals. I took them bowling along with some other activities. Just as a reminder, my budget is extremely tight and I have to cut corners and save even to come up with the little bit of money for these outings. Yesterday was bowling with friends. They got everything they wanted yesterday and fun was had by all. This morning we had dentist appointments. While we were there I talked with the kids about today's agenda. Dentist, home to clean rooms, lunch, and then playtime. If only it went that smoothly. 

On the way home from the grocery store I tell em to help me do a quick clean up of living room and I'll do kitchen. That way I have somewhere to sort the dirty laundry and I can start making lunch. Then while I'm cooking lunch and after they can do their rooms. Now while their rooms were fairly messy after friends being here it would only take them 20min top to do! That's when meltdowns began. I cannot for the life of my fathom where they got this sense of entitlement! I know that I messed up somewhere because they run all over me. I asked nicely, I negotiated, then I told them ok no one eats lunch until rooms are done. Well it's been almost 2 hours and no lunch has been served to them. Think they are cleaning? Nope. Wasting time fussing about how unfair I am as a mother and how they hate me because I am so unfair to them. It's friggin ridiculous. I don't like to physically punish my children but my oldest two just got their butts whooped. Not only did they not do what I asked but then they had the F'ing nerve to mouth off to me! Right now all you hear is crying and grumbling. Such a happy household we are. 

I have so much stress in my life as it is. I do everything that I can for those kids. I do it all mostly. Yes I have my mother help with activities and the baby's dad gets her every other weekend. But 95% of the daily ins and outs is my responsibility. Do they appreciate it even a little bit? Hell no. I am a sad excuse for a mother and a damn failure at parenthood. This is a depressing epiphany. Things have gotten so bad with them acting like this that honestly most days I can't even enjoy them. I just want to run the fuck away from it all. Give em over to my mother who is always confirming that I'm not worth anything. They'd be better off. 

A mother isn't supposed to feel this way, so if I am, what does that make me?

I'm so exhausted in every way. I try to put on that happy face and to act like life is hunky dory...but ya know ..it's NOT. At all. Everyday I struggle to make it through the 24hrs we get each day. Now you all know my dirty little secrets. 

Eh. I don't even know what else to say. My mind is scrambled to hell right now. I think I'll go take my aggression out on that enormous pile of laundry. 

Only 5 more hours or so till bedtime. Let the countdown begin. Please. 

Day #7: You call yourself a parent? (MoM)

Just a heads up that this post will most likely start as a rant... it will probably end as one too. The wise thing to do would be to walk away from the keyboard until I've cooled down so I don't say things I'll later regret. BUUUUT... i'm gonna throw caution to the wind and say screw that. I'm going to write it while I'm still hurt and mad. I'm not talking a lil mad such as irate. This is full blown feel the vein in my forehead about to explode, seeing red, on verge of tears because I want to lash out and bitch slap that someone and can't- kind of mad. Just to clarify my mood for ya'll :)

Day #7 of TBC: Describe the dynamic between you and your parents.
I'm just gonna do it bout ma for now. My daddy-o is a good guy.
Buckle up folks cus it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

<--- That word translates into --->

I know that may seem cold and harsh, but it's pretty much the reality of the situation as sad as it may seem. 

I think things started to go downhill for us about the time I turned 12 or 13. That's when I developed my own thoughts, beliefs, and the ability to voice them. My mom is a control freak to the 30th power and it's her way, the highway, or you're an idiot in her opinion. I don't think I've ever heard the woman admit to being wrong or uttering an apology. Least not to me. ( I'm sitting here brainstorming the best way to capture our relationship without writing a novel, so please bare with me) My parents have been divorced for about 9 years now. The last few years of them being together was hard. What joy is there living in a household where you feel like you have to walk on egg shells? My mother would retreat to the extra room above the garage and distance herself from all of us. My father would try to talk with her and she would just block him out. Of course that's not how her memory serves- you will see this is a pattern of hers. I think my mother feels that she somehow got jipped in life. She had my brother and I when she was younger and never got to fulfill all her dreams I'm guessing.

I'm going to say this before I go any further. My mother does do a lot for me. She helps me with my 3 kids and even financially by allowing me to rent her condo from her. I know that without her help I couldn't provide for the kiddies the way I'd like.  Regardless of what she thinks I appreciate it. She gets frustrated with me because I should be more mature and grown up (true) and because I don't always do what she thinks I should (true). Here it comes again...BUUUT.. I don't think that gives her the right to speak to me the way she does. She helps only because of the children and that help does not come free. It's comparable to selling your soul to the devil. It will always be lorded over your head. One of her favorite weapons to use against me is the kids. She gets a kick out of belittling me anytime but seems to be especially enjoyable if they are witness to it. 

Your parents are supposed to be the ones who love you unconditionally and lift you up. She has put up with my crap over the years so maybe that's saying something, but to be honest I don't know if she is capable of love...for anyone that is willing to go against her that is. She sure as hell does not lift me up. In fact many of the issues I have with low self esteem stem from her. There is a nice little list of things that have come out of her mouth that have either crushed or traumatized me in some way. The majority of these she vehemently denies saying at all. Guess I just pulled them out of my ass to give myself a complex. Oooo-kay. 

Here are some of the chart toppers!

 "YOU are the reason your father and I got divorced."

This one has been said more than once and denied every time I bring it up. Background for that: I ran away/moved to SC when I was 18. My father took the stance of I made my bed I needed to lie in it.( I actually respect for that as an adult and my mom hates that. ) She on the other hand decided to keep in touch and help me. Apparently this caused tension between them and various arguments. Now I may not be a full fledged mature adult yet according to her, but my theory on this is that if your marriage and relationship was strong and had a good solid foundation then it would not have crumbled simply due to a difference in opinion. FACT: My theory has been confirmed by my daddy. 

Oh, did I mention that she was also having an affair? That may have had a role in their divorce. Just sayin.

That actually leads me into #2 which I think is just hilarious!

"You were wrong to commit adultery but I wasn't."

Say whaaaa?! I am not proud to admit it but I cheated on my ex husband. A great guy who certainly didn't deserve that treatment. (We were married in June 01 and I moved out Dec that same year.) I had told mom that her and I were both wrong because the right thing to do would have been to go to our spouses and just be honest that we were unhappy. The above was her reply to that. Pssht. Her justification is that MY marriage was still so new and hers wasn't. What kind of bull shiznit is that? Whether 1 year or 20, still adultery there babe. Especially since my dad didn't see it that way. Duh. 

"You will never do anything right."

To this day she loves proving that to me on a daily basis almost. If I don't do what she wants, I'm screwed. If I do it, then she bitches about HOW I did it. I'm damned if I do, damned more if I don't. Luckily since I hear her muttering under her breath about everyone in our family, I don't seem to be the only one she considers worthless. Yay!

These next two are brand new additions to the list and fresh out of her mouth today!!

"You're an incompetent bitch who is better off dead."

I can already tell you she will claim amnesia on this one. This was brought on by my parenting fails for the day. We had a dress rehearsal for the kids dance and I/my son misplaced part of his costume. Yea that's my fault and not a smart thing to do. I also forgot ballet shoes but remembered a block away so crisis was averted. 'Scuse the hell out of me if every now and then I don't have everything together. I have 3 kids a crapload of activities and other things on my plate. Goodness knows she neeeever messes up or forgets something. Along with the incompetent B comment was her rant about what a horrible parent I am. Maybe I am, but look who set my example Miss Obvious. 

"That's why you can't keep a relationship. No one will want or love you. I'm your mother and I hate you."

(various forms of this have been said before, but not for a little while)

Can you feel the warm fuzzy tender feelings that washed over me then? I'm aware of my failure at relationships. That was a blog post all of it's own. It's ironic that she has asked me in the past why I always go for the same asshole kind of guy who treats me like poo on his shoe. Gee Ma, lemme think on that one a second.

I'd like to get some opinions on something if ya'll don't mind.

Today was obviously a rough day. We had dress rehearsals from 9-415. My son had his first All Star Baseball game at 5 and was stoked to go. Mom was supposed to be our ride. Well she got a lemon up her booty and decided to get pissy and refused to take us. We were already running late at this point and I don't have a car so there was no option but to not go at this point. Basically she punished my son and took away something she knew meant a lot to him because she was hella mad at ME. I think it was completely out of line. Your thoughts??

Wow, I'm feeling exhausted just replaying all of it in my head. Now, since I'm all about keeping it real on here I'll fess up to being a beatch back to her. I'm not always nice, but in my defense I usually only really buck up when she starts throwing blows like the ones I've mentioned. In other words I'm not a saint and yes, there are two sides to every story. But for now, for here...mine is the only one that counts! ;)

Not usually into metal or whatever this is, but still like it for this. Ha!

Day #6: What + If = ??

Well if that isn't just a big ole spoonful of truth and reality?! Can I get an "amen" if you agree?

 Day #6 of TBC asks "what is something you wonder what-if about?".

Now normally, I would say why dwell on the what-ifs. What's the point?  I chose this question because I feel that it is a challenge since it will have me/us looking deeper and maybe facing things we would prefer not to. We won't dwell, we will simply make a quick visit. Keep in mind that these what-ifs don't have to necessarily pertain to the past and be something sober and serious. It could be a legit lighthearted question such as -------->

What if I had shown better judgement/taste when it came to the "men" in my life?

*snickers* This is comparable to opening a can of worms. 

1. What if I had never met the d-bag who took my innocence and started my pattern of accepting abuse...followed by the others who fit that mold? Granted life would have been more rainbows and sunshiney, but I wouldn't have that spit fire mentality to me. I think I would be more reserved, more submissive. A wallflower who would go along with whatever someone expected. I never would have learned how to use my own voice. Ya know that thing I can't seem to filter or shut up now? LOL. As twisted as it sounds, I'm thankful for them because they gave me spirit. A bad ass one. 

2. What if I had hauled ass as soon as I met certain men? I can think of a couple in particular. Or what if I had left when one first cheated on me..or after the second time? Instead of staying and letting the relationship rot because I never forgave or forgot. What if instead of having that round of make up nookie I had said "hasta la vista baby" and walked? It would have saved me a ton of grief and bitching BUT I wouldn't have the 3 most important things in my life. My kids. Life has a mean sense of humor when it comes to timing is all I have to say! I guess meeting those men was fated because I needed them. Blah. I will grudgingly admit that one has stepped up to the plate and does a good job at it. (finger down throat) 

What if I had fought harder and spoken up sooner when it came to my bestie/PAF?

PAF= Perfect Ass Fit. I was 18 when my best friend Drew came down the escalators at the mall looking all suave and hot. We were tight from the get go. He is in military and shortly after we met he had to go on a cruise. I was a rebellious teen looking to escape my parents thumbs and was thinking of moving to LA with the bogus (I now know) company I worked for. He told me if I left I wouldn't come back because I'd find myself and my wings. We broke up. I never even went. When he got back he started seeing someone. He married her eventually. He has had his rocky moments in the marriage. What if I had said pick me. choose me again? What if I hadn't given him the option because he would have seen how gaga I was about him? Here we are 13 years later and he remains my fave fella. He is an amazing man and the standards I search for in any other guy that comes along. He knows I love him madly both as a friend and otherwise. It is a running joke amongst us now. There are times it hurts like a mean mofo cus I see him upset or unhappy. I'm content to have him in my life regardless of the label, but there are certainly times over the years when I have thought how different my life would be if I had stayed with him. 

Yea...ok I will confess. I am a hot freakin mess. My life is chaotic and I'm a blend of loveable and your worst friggin nightmare. I have emotional baggage, 3 kids, and we won't mention that my head is most likely screwed on crooked. Not exactly sellable ya know? I have tons of flaws and shortcomings.     I'm not saying that I NEED acceptance from others or to have someone special in my life, but the thought has crossed my mind ~ what if I'm destined to be a lonely spinster with no one to love her? The horror! I mean hell no one has come along that is willing to stick it out so leaves me with a complex and the question of whats wrong with me? Not good for the ego I must say. 

What if I stop waiting for my life to change and just make that shiznit happen? 

I have big aspirations for myself and my family-in my mind at least. Yet somehow I find myself in a constant struggle just to maintain the basics. I get so stressed out because I need to jump over A, crawl under B, cross C just to get to Z. A lot of the times I get so overwhelmed that it leads to me being in a funk because I just don't see a way out of the hole. It's discouraging and gets harder to put on that happy demeanor. 

I love my children and our life, but there are moments when I wish that I could get out just for bit. An hour of solitary me time would keep me happy for weeks. There seems to be so much weight on my shoulders that I feel like my feet just sink further and further into a rut. The same, droning routine. Day after day after day. Sometimes I think I act out just to make sure I still have a pulse. I have to remind myself that things could always be worse. Someone recently told me our mind is what makes things happen. Positive thoughts lead to positive results. Not saying it's a overnight miracle fix all, but worth a shot, no?

What if I let my kids down? 

I want to start by saying that I know parenting is not a competition or about who wins. My youngest child is the only one who has a daddy that is involved. I've been used to raising my oldest 2 alone so it's been an adjustment having to share the responsibility and decision making with someone else. I realize that he doesn't acknowledge it- but I do try my damnedest to take care of our daughter. I know he has rules of his own and what not. It kills me to think down the road that she may get mad at me because I'm not the fun laid back parent or something trivial and will play the "I want to live with Daddy" card. It will be like a dagger to my heart. Even the other two...what if all my sacrifice. my devotion and affections aren't enough. What if they just remember that they didn't have name brand clothes or the coolest gadgets? What if they think I was a crap mom because I couldn't do enough for them?

What if I followed my intuition more?

They say hindsight is 20/20. I have personally proved this theory to be true time and again. It's usually when things go awry that I get to experience the "I knew it!" moment. The thing that is so frustrating a lot of the time is that I DID know. Have you ever made a decision where you went one way even though something inside of you screamed out to take the alternative path? 

Maybe you ignore that vibe like I did, because it's taking you away from what it is you think you want. I'm pretty thickheaded and I do believe in signs and some form of fate. When I get an unexplainable urge for something out of my norm, when I hear the same song multiple times that makes me think of someone, or when I dream of something/someone that I would never think of during the waking hours- I follow that lead with hardly any questions. I'll go to the store for marshmallow fluff at 10pm and run into someone unexpected. I'll reach out to the person the song brings to mind. I'll do it without a seconds thought because I feel I'm being led. So, why is it that when I'm wide awake I more often than not choose to bury my inner intuition? Especially since 9 out of 10 times doing so ends up with me being unhappy or in the wrong position than what I had thought. 

What if were able to have more time with ones we've lost? What would we say? How would you spend that time?

'scuse the silly video pics, but wanted one with lyrics on screen and options were slim.

For those of us who have been affected by someone's choice to commit suicide. Or maybe if you are contemplating it..think of those you will leave behind. What if we had reached out?

What if we had more control of our feelings and emotions like this?

Then what will I blame it on?!

THAT would be amazing! Although there are some dreams 

that I would much rather forget.

Is it really better to have loved and lost

than to have never loved at all?

Sums it up nicely doesn't it?

As always feel free to share or comment below!

Day #5: Letter Never Sent

This post came fairly easy to me since it was all the things I've wanted to say to someone. Someone who doesn't care to listen. Would go in one ear and out the other. 

Day #5 of TBC is writing a letter to someone who has hurt you recently. 

I'm sure we all have a person in our lives that we have unspoken words with. 

W.J, 

I don't know whether to start with the good or the bad. How can I when they are mingled together? We had each other at hello. It's only been 5 years we've known each other, felt like a lifetime. Maybe because we never spent much time together, so we had quality not quantity. Despite that we had a crazy bond to each other. That initial spark never burned out. Anytime I came to you, was as if I had never left. I fell hard, you let me. I thought I was gifted with words, but I see now that the talent laid in your hands. You spun such a pretty little web of deceit. I got caught on your silk threads every...fuckin...time. Such an age difference between us, I thought you would be over game playing by now. I torment myself because I still have your emails and your texts. They have made it to the trash can but I can't delete them permanently. Not yet. Boy you were good at loving me and breaking me all in one fell swoop. I don't understand how you could sit with me on your porch, me on your lap..your baby blues looking right at me- and lie. Like a worn out carpet. You're much too smart not to have known how I loved you. You told me not too long ago that no one will ever love me like you do. Yet you didn't love me enough to accept all that I am. I may be a lot of things, including a fool when it came to you. But I am wise enough now to know that when said I LOVE YOU it translated into BULLSHIT. See, they both even have 8 letters?! You know that I'm right about being your fit. That's the one consolation I'll have. I could have been perfect for you. I would have even loved your wheelchair bound ass. You could have had it all. And you my dear are going to miss out. I haven't found the love of my life yet, not my real one. Who knows? Maybe I won't. Regardless though, with time I will forget you. You will slowly fade from my memory. But you, YOU will think of me. Little things will remind you of me and you will want to kick yourself for being too selfish. For not treating me right. I could have counted my losses. I don't want to be with someone who would rather push me away. Fuck that. A grown man, all you had to do was say the word and that would have been it. You chose the cowardly, pansy ass way of breaking me. I thank you for that- makes it that much easier to see you were nothing but a mistake. A way of showing me that sooner or later you have to decide who is more important. I chose myself. It feels pretty damn good. 

With fading affection, 

Thena <3

I played many a song over the years to W.J here are some that were part of that soundtrack :)

Mandi Perkins "Who I Am" Love this one because it makes me realize that I'm too good for this crap

Mandi Perkins "Why-You Confuse Me" Perfectly describes that torn yo-yo feeling. Scuse the video though, it was the only one I could find. 

Eamon "I Don't Want You Back" Sometimes dropping the F bomb makes you feel better. 

Chris Isaak "Wicked Game" Name says it all, but dayum the vid is super sexy and I love this mans voice. Yum. 

Ohh, wait lightbulb! How fun would it be for you guys to write you own letters? Misery loves company right? LOL. You can add a comment anonymously thanks to my settings so the comment section would be a great place to share! How bout it huh huh? Anyone brave enough?