Day #6: What + If = ??

Well if that isn't just a big ole spoonful of truth and reality?! Can I get an "amen" if you agree?

 Day #6 of TBC asks "what is something you wonder what-if about?".

Now normally, I would say why dwell on the what-ifs. What's the point?  I chose this question because I feel that it is a challenge since it will have me/us looking deeper and maybe facing things we would prefer not to. We won't dwell, we will simply make a quick visit. Keep in mind that these what-ifs don't have to necessarily pertain to the past and be something sober and serious. It could be a legit lighthearted question such as -------->

What if I had shown better judgement/taste when it came to the "men" in my life?

*snickers* This is comparable to opening a can of worms. 

1. What if I had never met the d-bag who took my innocence and started my pattern of accepting abuse...followed by the others who fit that mold? Granted life would have been more rainbows and sunshiney, but I wouldn't have that spit fire mentality to me. I think I would be more reserved, more submissive. A wallflower who would go along with whatever someone expected. I never would have learned how to use my own voice. Ya know that thing I can't seem to filter or shut up now? LOL. As twisted as it sounds, I'm thankful for them because they gave me spirit. A bad ass one. 

2. What if I had hauled ass as soon as I met certain men? I can think of a couple in particular. Or what if I had left when one first cheated on me..or after the second time? Instead of staying and letting the relationship rot because I never forgave or forgot. What if instead of having that round of make up nookie I had said "hasta la vista baby" and walked? It would have saved me a ton of grief and bitching BUT I wouldn't have the 3 most important things in my life. My kids. Life has a mean sense of humor when it comes to timing is all I have to say! I guess meeting those men was fated because I needed them. Blah. I will grudgingly admit that one has stepped up to the plate and does a good job at it. (finger down throat) 

What if I had fought harder and spoken up sooner when it came to my bestie/PAF?

PAF= Perfect Ass Fit. I was 18 when my best friend Drew came down the escalators at the mall looking all suave and hot. We were tight from the get go. He is in military and shortly after we met he had to go on a cruise. I was a rebellious teen looking to escape my parents thumbs and was thinking of moving to LA with the bogus (I now know) company I worked for. He told me if I left I wouldn't come back because I'd find myself and my wings. We broke up. I never even went. When he got back he started seeing someone. He married her eventually. He has had his rocky moments in the marriage. What if I had said pick me. choose me again? What if I hadn't given him the option because he would have seen how gaga I was about him? Here we are 13 years later and he remains my fave fella. He is an amazing man and the standards I search for in any other guy that comes along. He knows I love him madly both as a friend and otherwise. It is a running joke amongst us now. There are times it hurts like a mean mofo cus I see him upset or unhappy. I'm content to have him in my life regardless of the label, but there are certainly times over the years when I have thought how different my life would be if I had stayed with him. 

Yea...ok I will confess. I am a hot freakin mess. My life is chaotic and I'm a blend of loveable and your worst friggin nightmare. I have emotional baggage, 3 kids, and we won't mention that my head is most likely screwed on crooked. Not exactly sellable ya know? I have tons of flaws and shortcomings.     I'm not saying that I NEED acceptance from others or to have someone special in my life, but the thought has crossed my mind ~ what if I'm destined to be a lonely spinster with no one to love her? The horror! I mean hell no one has come along that is willing to stick it out so leaves me with a complex and the question of whats wrong with me? Not good for the ego I must say. 

What if I stop waiting for my life to change and just make that shiznit happen? 

I have big aspirations for myself and my family-in my mind at least. Yet somehow I find myself in a constant struggle just to maintain the basics. I get so stressed out because I need to jump over A, crawl under B, cross C just to get to Z. A lot of the times I get so overwhelmed that it leads to me being in a funk because I just don't see a way out of the hole. It's discouraging and gets harder to put on that happy demeanor. 

I love my children and our life, but there are moments when I wish that I could get out just for bit. An hour of solitary me time would keep me happy for weeks. There seems to be so much weight on my shoulders that I feel like my feet just sink further and further into a rut. The same, droning routine. Day after day after day. Sometimes I think I act out just to make sure I still have a pulse. I have to remind myself that things could always be worse. Someone recently told me our mind is what makes things happen. Positive thoughts lead to positive results. Not saying it's a overnight miracle fix all, but worth a shot, no?

What if I let my kids down? 

I want to start by saying that I know parenting is not a competition or about who wins. My youngest child is the only one who has a daddy that is involved. I've been used to raising my oldest 2 alone so it's been an adjustment having to share the responsibility and decision making with someone else. I realize that he doesn't acknowledge it- but I do try my damnedest to take care of our daughter. I know he has rules of his own and what not. It kills me to think down the road that she may get mad at me because I'm not the fun laid back parent or something trivial and will play the "I want to live with Daddy" card. It will be like a dagger to my heart. Even the other two...what if all my sacrifice. my devotion and affections aren't enough. What if they just remember that they didn't have name brand clothes or the coolest gadgets? What if they think I was a crap mom because I couldn't do enough for them?

What if I followed my intuition more?

They say hindsight is 20/20. I have personally proved this theory to be true time and again. It's usually when things go awry that I get to experience the "I knew it!" moment. The thing that is so frustrating a lot of the time is that I DID know. Have you ever made a decision where you went one way even though something inside of you screamed out to take the alternative path? 

Maybe you ignore that vibe like I did, because it's taking you away from what it is you think you want. I'm pretty thickheaded and I do believe in signs and some form of fate. When I get an unexplainable urge for something out of my norm, when I hear the same song multiple times that makes me think of someone, or when I dream of something/someone that I would never think of during the waking hours- I follow that lead with hardly any questions. I'll go to the store for marshmallow fluff at 10pm and run into someone unexpected. I'll reach out to the person the song brings to mind. I'll do it without a seconds thought because I feel I'm being led. So, why is it that when I'm wide awake I more often than not choose to bury my inner intuition? Especially since 9 out of 10 times doing so ends up with me being unhappy or in the wrong position than what I had thought. 

What if were able to have more time with ones we've lost? What would we say? How would you spend that time?

'scuse the silly video pics, but wanted one with lyrics on screen and options were slim.

For those of us who have been affected by someone's choice to commit suicide. Or maybe if you are contemplating it..think of those you will leave behind. What if we had reached out?

What if we had more control of our feelings and emotions like this?

Then what will I blame it on?!

THAT would be amazing! Although there are some dreams 

that I would much rather forget.

Is it really better to have loved and lost

than to have never loved at all?

Sums it up nicely doesn't it?

As always feel free to share or comment below!