This morning I woke up with a heavy heart. On my mind was a subject that isn't pleasant for most people, especially if you have been a victim of it. I debated whether or not to post about it today or choose something more lighthearted. I decided to go with it, because I feel there was a reason it was on my mind and hopefully someone reading this may be able to take something from it. Abusive relationships are never a hit discussion, but for the sake of staying true to myself I'm going there anyways.
All of the videos I'm posting below have served as inspiration to me at some point. Whether as strength or awareness. Music is a wonderful way to touch someone.
I was in the pattern of abusive relationships for years and people would ask "why don't you just leave?". If only it were that simple! If that's the only way of "love" and life you have known, stepping out of that comfort zone, no matter how hellish; is frightening. Abuse comes in multiple forms, not just the kind that causes an ER visit. Too many times people don't speak up. This includes the silent and often overlooked male victim. Abuse is an equal opportunity devil. I could go on and on about this, but will instead provide a link that contains a lot of helpful information. If you are living this nightmare yourself or know someone who is, please take the time to visit and share the information.
The following is an excerpt from an essay that I wrote one semester for English. You'll see that I learned early on that the world is sometimes a F'd up place and that bad things do happen to the innocent and good.
I was only a couple days shy of 14 and so far from the somewhat jaded yet empowered woman that I am now. He had just turned 21 and when he turned the full wattage of that charming smile on me, I didn’t stand a chance. All I knew is that he chose me and that obviously meant I was special. He secretly held my hand, and maybe the possibility of getting caught had some appeal. My very first kiss was quickly followed by the loss of my innocence. It happened in a blur. His lips met mine and then it snowballed, I sensed where it was going and tried to protest. Pressing his palm over my mouth he silenced me, while the other hand held my wrists and arms over my head. How did that backseat grow into such a frightening place? The shock of pain when he took what I could never get back had my body shaking. Tears and sweat all mixed together. I was a child, no competition for a man. He was not at all gentle; he took his time breaking me physically. The one time his hand moved for a second I tried to let out a cry for help. This only served to anger him and I heard the smack before the sting on my cheek registered; I never thought it would be like this. A girls first kiss should be memorable, but not because it’s tainted by rape and her first taste of violence. He set the low standard of what would become a pattern in the men I chose to let into my life. I always seemed to attract that same type of male. I consciously won’t use the word “man”, because any male that needs to put down a weaker person in order to soothe their ego isn't considered one. Each one had a great wrapping paper to them, but when you get to the core of things and it was all in the open; it was ugly. I used to think it was just them that were the problem, but in retrospective it was mostly me. If I couldn't love and respect myself, why should I expect anyone else to? That cycle was eventually ended when I had my first child. During an incident that involved a gun being placed to my head by an ex while I was holding her, I found a will to fight; to say enough is enough.
Memories don't fade and the pain tied to them doesn't always heal. They can alter you though. I chose not to let those people or experiences hinder me more than they already had, I would learn from them. I am outspoken and stubborn; I don't allow myself to be a doormat for anyone. I could have turned into a hard, bitter person, but I rebel against that and love instead. I share my life, my pain, and my joys. To see that I have overcome obstacles and abuse may give just one person the hope or strength they need to protect themselves. I had initially intended to dive deeper into this, but think I may do a follow up. I can feel myself starting to get upset and I don't want to end my night or post on a negative note. I'll close with something I wrote years ago about my last abusive ex. He was the last straw for me and the reason I can say I am done with taking that kind of bullshit from any man.
Cowering in a corner.
Hands over head
Curling up into myself
Thinking if I can make myself
small enough
you just may not see me.
Yanked up by hair
Feet pedaling
trying to stay grounded..
putting my weight down
not enough to
stop you from dragging.
Feel your fingers
digging deep
holding me firm by arms
pinned back
"honey where’d you get those bruises?"
just clumsy daddy
those were the small fingerprints
made sure to never leave your mark obvious
Hand pulling my chin
forcing me to look
eyes of yours
cold and remote
face red
rage
smell of stale alcohol
sweat
still makes me ill
Gut would clench
when I heard the door shut
and latch
knew you were coming
boots on back
fist in side
open palm on cheek
except those occassions
you were too far gone
to remember
those cant be easily covered
you behind me
a shove
face into the pillow
weight of you on me
tears hot
no one hears
you make sure of that
hands on thighs
rough touch
makes me shudder
just get it over with
leave your mark
on my back
kiss my temple
fucker
On floor face up
You straddling
Crushing chest
Hands on neck
And at first I fight
hands flailing
striking out
no use
against your strength
Become detached
Hearing becomes muffled
Seeing stars
Your mouth still moving
Im sure speaking
your verbal slew
Thinking why not just go with it?
It’ll be over soon enough
I got out
Carried out yes
But away from you
and stayed gone
Outward wounds healed
Some scars inside and out
Changed
vowed never again
and it hasnt
Think you can come around here
intimidating?
Loud and tall
Calling up those ghosts.
Step up into my space
Didnt expect I wouldnt waver
did you?
No fear here
Didnt even have to raise
in defense.
Im hands off to you
Saw it in my eyes
I dare you...
That’s right
turn around
find someone else
weak
not me anymore
Only abuse i take may be self inflicted....
Hands over head
Curling up into myself
Thinking if I can make myself
small enough
you just may not see me.
Yanked up by hair
Feet pedaling
trying to stay grounded..
putting my weight down
not enough to
stop you from dragging.
Feel your fingers
digging deep
holding me firm by arms
pinned back
"honey where’d you get those bruises?"
just clumsy daddy
those were the small fingerprints
made sure to never leave your mark obvious
Hand pulling my chin
forcing me to look
eyes of yours
cold and remote
face red
rage
smell of stale alcohol
sweat
still makes me ill
Gut would clench
when I heard the door shut
and latch
knew you were coming
boots on back
fist in side
open palm on cheek
except those occassions
you were too far gone
to remember
those cant be easily covered
you behind me
a shove
face into the pillow
weight of you on me
tears hot
no one hears
you make sure of that
hands on thighs
rough touch
makes me shudder
just get it over with
leave your mark
on my back
kiss my temple
fucker
On floor face up
You straddling
Crushing chest
Hands on neck
And at first I fight
hands flailing
striking out
no use
against your strength
Become detached
Hearing becomes muffled
Seeing stars
Your mouth still moving
Im sure speaking
your verbal slew
Thinking why not just go with it?
It’ll be over soon enough
I got out
Carried out yes
But away from you
and stayed gone
Outward wounds healed
Some scars inside and out
Changed
vowed never again
and it hasnt
Think you can come around here
intimidating?
Loud and tall
Calling up those ghosts.
Step up into my space
Didnt expect I wouldnt waver
did you?
No fear here
Didnt even have to raise
in defense.
Im hands off to you
Saw it in my eyes
I dare you...
That’s right
turn around
find someone else
weak
not me anymore
Only abuse i take may be self inflicted....
I'd love to hear from anyone out there who has a story.
1 comment:
I have to say this post gave me chills.
Heart breaking to think that 9 out of 10 people are a victim of some sort of domestic violence. Unfortunatly, I, too, fall into those statistics and know all to well the painfull impact/toll it takes on a persons life.
I personally believe that awareness is key, especially for those who are currently living their lives as if they were role playing a long, drawn out horror film. Your story, along with others, can give sence of hope and self worth to those in need of a new direction. No one deserves to journey through life always having walk on egg shells, worried that any slight movement could trigger a tick, questioning their self worth or looking over their shoulders, thinking today may be their last. So, kudos to you,for following your gut and posting such a difficult topic.
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