Day #7: You call yourself a parent? (MoM)

Just a heads up that this post will most likely start as a rant... it will probably end as one too. The wise thing to do would be to walk away from the keyboard until I've cooled down so I don't say things I'll later regret. BUUUUT... i'm gonna throw caution to the wind and say screw that. I'm going to write it while I'm still hurt and mad. I'm not talking a lil mad such as irate. This is full blown feel the vein in my forehead about to explode, seeing red, on verge of tears because I want to lash out and bitch slap that someone and can't- kind of mad. Just to clarify my mood for ya'll :)

Day #7 of TBC: Describe the dynamic between you and your parents.
I'm just gonna do it bout ma for now. My daddy-o is a good guy.
Buckle up folks cus it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

<--- That word translates into --->

I know that may seem cold and harsh, but it's pretty much the reality of the situation as sad as it may seem. 

I think things started to go downhill for us about the time I turned 12 or 13. That's when I developed my own thoughts, beliefs, and the ability to voice them. My mom is a control freak to the 30th power and it's her way, the highway, or you're an idiot in her opinion. I don't think I've ever heard the woman admit to being wrong or uttering an apology. Least not to me. ( I'm sitting here brainstorming the best way to capture our relationship without writing a novel, so please bare with me) My parents have been divorced for about 9 years now. The last few years of them being together was hard. What joy is there living in a household where you feel like you have to walk on egg shells? My mother would retreat to the extra room above the garage and distance herself from all of us. My father would try to talk with her and she would just block him out. Of course that's not how her memory serves- you will see this is a pattern of hers. I think my mother feels that she somehow got jipped in life. She had my brother and I when she was younger and never got to fulfill all her dreams I'm guessing.

I'm going to say this before I go any further. My mother does do a lot for me. She helps me with my 3 kids and even financially by allowing me to rent her condo from her. I know that without her help I couldn't provide for the kiddies the way I'd like.  Regardless of what she thinks I appreciate it. She gets frustrated with me because I should be more mature and grown up (true) and because I don't always do what she thinks I should (true). Here it comes again...BUUUT.. I don't think that gives her the right to speak to me the way she does. She helps only because of the children and that help does not come free. It's comparable to selling your soul to the devil. It will always be lorded over your head. One of her favorite weapons to use against me is the kids. She gets a kick out of belittling me anytime but seems to be especially enjoyable if they are witness to it. 

Your parents are supposed to be the ones who love you unconditionally and lift you up. She has put up with my crap over the years so maybe that's saying something, but to be honest I don't know if she is capable of love...for anyone that is willing to go against her that is. She sure as hell does not lift me up. In fact many of the issues I have with low self esteem stem from her. There is a nice little list of things that have come out of her mouth that have either crushed or traumatized me in some way. The majority of these she vehemently denies saying at all. Guess I just pulled them out of my ass to give myself a complex. Oooo-kay. 

Here are some of the chart toppers!

 "YOU are the reason your father and I got divorced."

This one has been said more than once and denied every time I bring it up. Background for that: I ran away/moved to SC when I was 18. My father took the stance of I made my bed I needed to lie in it.( I actually respect for that as an adult and my mom hates that. ) She on the other hand decided to keep in touch and help me. Apparently this caused tension between them and various arguments. Now I may not be a full fledged mature adult yet according to her, but my theory on this is that if your marriage and relationship was strong and had a good solid foundation then it would not have crumbled simply due to a difference in opinion. FACT: My theory has been confirmed by my daddy. 

Oh, did I mention that she was also having an affair? That may have had a role in their divorce. Just sayin.

That actually leads me into #2 which I think is just hilarious!

"You were wrong to commit adultery but I wasn't."

Say whaaaa?! I am not proud to admit it but I cheated on my ex husband. A great guy who certainly didn't deserve that treatment. (We were married in June 01 and I moved out Dec that same year.) I had told mom that her and I were both wrong because the right thing to do would have been to go to our spouses and just be honest that we were unhappy. The above was her reply to that. Pssht. Her justification is that MY marriage was still so new and hers wasn't. What kind of bull shiznit is that? Whether 1 year or 20, still adultery there babe. Especially since my dad didn't see it that way. Duh. 

"You will never do anything right."

To this day she loves proving that to me on a daily basis almost. If I don't do what she wants, I'm screwed. If I do it, then she bitches about HOW I did it. I'm damned if I do, damned more if I don't. Luckily since I hear her muttering under her breath about everyone in our family, I don't seem to be the only one she considers worthless. Yay!

These next two are brand new additions to the list and fresh out of her mouth today!!

"You're an incompetent bitch who is better off dead."

I can already tell you she will claim amnesia on this one. This was brought on by my parenting fails for the day. We had a dress rehearsal for the kids dance and I/my son misplaced part of his costume. Yea that's my fault and not a smart thing to do. I also forgot ballet shoes but remembered a block away so crisis was averted. 'Scuse the hell out of me if every now and then I don't have everything together. I have 3 kids a crapload of activities and other things on my plate. Goodness knows she neeeever messes up or forgets something. Along with the incompetent B comment was her rant about what a horrible parent I am. Maybe I am, but look who set my example Miss Obvious. 

"That's why you can't keep a relationship. No one will want or love you. I'm your mother and I hate you."

(various forms of this have been said before, but not for a little while)

Can you feel the warm fuzzy tender feelings that washed over me then? I'm aware of my failure at relationships. That was a blog post all of it's own. It's ironic that she has asked me in the past why I always go for the same asshole kind of guy who treats me like poo on his shoe. Gee Ma, lemme think on that one a second.

I'd like to get some opinions on something if ya'll don't mind.

Today was obviously a rough day. We had dress rehearsals from 9-415. My son had his first All Star Baseball game at 5 and was stoked to go. Mom was supposed to be our ride. Well she got a lemon up her booty and decided to get pissy and refused to take us. We were already running late at this point and I don't have a car so there was no option but to not go at this point. Basically she punished my son and took away something she knew meant a lot to him because she was hella mad at ME. I think it was completely out of line. Your thoughts??

Wow, I'm feeling exhausted just replaying all of it in my head. Now, since I'm all about keeping it real on here I'll fess up to being a beatch back to her. I'm not always nice, but in my defense I usually only really buck up when she starts throwing blows like the ones I've mentioned. In other words I'm not a saint and yes, there are two sides to every story. But for now, for here...mine is the only one that counts! ;)

Not usually into metal or whatever this is, but still like it for this. Ha!