This post came fairly easy to me since it was all the things I've wanted to say to someone. Someone who doesn't care to listen. Would go in one ear and out the other.
Day #5 of TBC is writing a letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
I'm sure we all have a person in our lives that we have unspoken words with.
W.J,
I don't know whether to start with the good or the bad. How can I when they are mingled together? We had each other at hello. It's only been 5 years we've known each other, felt like a lifetime. Maybe because we never spent much time together, so we had quality not quantity. Despite that we had a crazy bond to each other. That initial spark never burned out. Anytime I came to you, was as if I had never left. I fell hard, you let me. I thought I was gifted with words, but I see now that the talent laid in your hands. You spun such a pretty little web of deceit. I got caught on your silk threads every...fuckin...time. Such an age difference between us, I thought you would be over game playing by now. I torment myself because I still have your emails and your texts. They have made it to the trash can but I can't delete them permanently. Not yet. Boy you were good at loving me and breaking me all in one fell swoop. I don't understand how you could sit with me on your porch, me on your lap..your baby blues looking right at me- and lie. Like a worn out carpet. You're much too smart not to have known how I loved you. You told me not too long ago that no one will ever love me like you do. Yet you didn't love me enough to accept all that I am. I may be a lot of things, including a fool when it came to you. But I am wise enough now to know that when said I LOVE YOU it translated into BULLSHIT. See, they both even have 8 letters?! You know that I'm right about being your fit. That's the one consolation I'll have. I could have been perfect for you. I would have even loved your wheelchair bound ass. You could have had it all. And you my dear are going to miss out. I haven't found the love of my life yet, not my real one. Who knows? Maybe I won't. Regardless though, with time I will forget you. You will slowly fade from my memory. But you, YOU will think of me. Little things will remind you of me and you will want to kick yourself for being too selfish. For not treating me right. I could have counted my losses. I don't want to be with someone who would rather push me away. Fuck that. A grown man, all you had to do was say the word and that would have been it. You chose the cowardly, pansy ass way of breaking me. I thank you for that- makes it that much easier to see you were nothing but a mistake. A way of showing me that sooner or later you have to decide who is more important. I chose myself. It feels pretty damn good.
With fading affection,
Thena <3
I played many a song over the years to W.J here are some that were part of that soundtrack :)
Mandi Perkins "Who I Am" Love this one because it makes me realize that I'm too good for this crap
Mandi Perkins "Why-You Confuse Me" Perfectly describes that torn yo-yo feeling. Scuse the video though, it was the only one I could find.
Eamon "I Don't Want You Back" Sometimes dropping the F bomb makes you feel better.
Chris Isaak "Wicked Game" Name says it all, but dayum the vid is super sexy and I love this mans voice. Yum.
Ohh, wait lightbulb! How fun would it be for you guys to write you own letters? Misery loves company right? LOL. You can add a comment anonymously thanks to my settings so the comment section would be a great place to share! How bout it huh huh? Anyone brave enough?
8 comments:
Wrote this a few years back to my biological father after he found me thru Facebook and attempted what he thought would be some sort of relationship. I’ll start by letting you know that I have my reservations about getting to know you and vise versa, I have mixed feelings about letting you into my life, even if it is through email, but after reading your messages I felt the need to commend you for taking the time to let me know a little about you and how you feel…I feel like its better late, then never. First things first, I want you to know that I have no hard feelings towards you. Whats done is done. As far as you saying you beat yourself up for the choices you made, that’s something your gonna have to deal with for the rest of your life. And I have no sympathy to hand out. I grew up with a great loving family, so I didn’t go with out. I have a wonderful father who stepped up to the plate and was there for me my whole life.
So in response to your messages, It has in fact been 27 years, with the exception of two separate occasions, one of which, you showed up at my home, unannounced, and your first words out of your mouth were to let me know you had to drink a six pack and pop a vicodin to build up the courage to show your face. That was not at all how I pictured what it was gonna be like meeting my biological father for the first time, but it wasn’t like you gave me any choice. I, however, planned the next encounter, and I had my reasons, that you probably have no clue about. I invited you to my wedding. The only reason I wanted you there, is because I wanted you to see, firsthand what you missed out on. I did it, with out you. So, it was for my own satisfaction. I really just wanted you to realize that it didn’t matter that you chose not to be involved in my life, I wanted a little piece of you to see what you missed out on. Even though I hurt a few people, most importantly my dad, by inviting you to the wedding, I’m glad I did, but I didn’t get the satisfaction like I hoped for. Instead I was mortified, you and your date show up tanked and embarrassed me, not to mention, your precise timing to bring up child support on my wedding day, at that moment I’d made up my mind, and realized that the reason I wanted you there in the first place didn’t matter half as much at that point. I made a mistake. I need you to know, as blunt as it may be, I forgave you, then washed my hands of you. You proved to be the person I’ve always known you to be. That being said I hope maybe I’ve shined some light, and you see it from my stand point, why I’m not jumping all over this. I respect and give you credit that you have accepted the fact that you have a problem and your willing to make changes in your life to be a better person. I also want to make it very clear to you that I’m not taking our messaging lightly. I don’t sugar coat anything, and I hope you’re not expecting me to forgive you and pretend like all is well, just because you’re committing yourself to the 12 step program. But I do know things don’t get better over night, and as far as I’m concerned, your just some stranger to me, and I don’t owe you anything, but in order to change yourself you need to acknowledge and take full responsibility for the many years of immature, selfish, and hurtful behavior. I do wish you well and lots of strength during you recovery.
And lastly, I would like to know what and how you know anything about my kids. They are amazing. To save them any confusion they don’t know of you and I would like for it to stay that way. Once their older and start asking questions then I will leave it up to them to make that decision and will support them if they wanted to get to know you and your family. Thanks in advance for understanding.
Kudos to you Tina for sharing this here AND for standing up to him. Seems as though you tried to be a better person about things and he fell short of the mark. Too bad for him. I've told Kailey on multiple occasions that having a "dad" doesn't always change things. She has a whole group of people that love her and sometimes "dad" isn't what you'd expect or want.
Thanks again for sharing!
Tina I forgot to say good job not holding back. My letter isn't complete if truth be told. As I started typing I realized I had a lot of anger still. I watered mine down some to avoid sounding like a crazy lunatic :) Let that be the one time I bite my tongue some, LOL
There wasn't any good that came from your relationship, except possibly you learning he is and will always be a liar. It was all lies. Lies you fell for, like many others have. There is only one person this man loves, and that's himself. Believe me, it's best to forget him.
Not sure if that was for me or Tina above, LOL.
If for me, I don't want to forget him persay. Forget my feelings for him, sure. But I want to remember him. It's a lesson to be wiser and not to let love blind you from the truths that are in front of you.
Don't believe this comment was directed towards me as there was no relationship between the above mentioned, lack of better words, disfunctional sperm donor,who felt the need to rectify the toughest, most heartfelt consiquence, guilt bearing decision, his worthless life would ever encounter. He never had the chance to lie to me...I'm too strong for that. Naive is not a quality of mine. Thanks A for the compliment as it was a very difficult and confusing time for me, but empowering and taught me strengh and confidence..esp the feeling it brought knowing I stood my ground all the while being the bigger better person in a sence. And in response to Mr annon...I wouldn't advise to forgive and forget, cause sometimes you have to remember to move on. Love isn't a light switch, can't turn in on or off when ever you feel the urge. You never forget, but time heals and memories fade, and lessons are learned.
I meant forget him as in, don't waste anymore time giving thought to what could have been. This man continually lied to you. For what reason did he lie? I would think to get laid. You said you didn't have quantity, but quality time with this man. How do you actually know it was quality on his part? As you said, he fed you a line of lies. Some women, waste emotions on "what if's". Stop what if'ing. It's apparent that you still love this guy. And I would venture to think, if he put his line out again, you'd go for it, hook, line and sinker. I'm not meaning to sound harsh. I only say that because of what I've seen you write. Good Luck
You don't sound harsh at all. You have an objective viewpoint being on the outside and see things I don't or won't. I do still have love for him at this point. When I love, I do it hard. Normally I would take the bait..but him saying things how he did about the kids and how I choose to handle it left no room for going back. My kids will always come before any man. With the knowledge of how he truly feels about it, makes it that much easier to stay gone.
Thanks for the feedback :)
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