Why You Ain't Got A Man?

I hear this question more than I care to. When did wearing your SINGLE badge proudly become out the norm? It's been pointed out to me that I'm not getting any younger-even though I just celebrated my 31st- and that my biological clock is tick tick ticking away. I don't even see why that matters because I've done my time at the baby making factory and my shift has been over for almost 5 years. People seem to find me attractive enough so they just assume something is wrong with me or my way of thinking. I'm going to give you the break down for why I ain't got a man.

99% of my time goes to my three children. I struggle each day just to find the time to carve out a moment's peace for myself. By that I mean between daytime hours of 6:00am-8:30pm. Yes, when the kids get a visit from the Sandman I can catch up on "ME" time. Sadly though I find that I usually just want to crawl into bed myself by that point. Which doesn't leave me but 1% to allot to someone else that isn't from my DNA. 

My last REAL longterm relationship was over 5 years ago with my "baby daddy". I met him when my oldest was 2 and I was preggo with my middle child. Naturally they grew attached to him, esp the oldest since she viewed him as her dad and called him so. When we reached the end of our relationship he left us. **DISCLAIMER: I am NOT placing full blame on him, since the ins and outs of our relationship are not relevant to this post, I'll get to my point shortly. If you're wondering why I bothered putting this disclaimer you aren't the person it's meant for :)** POINT: My oldest was devastated and full of questions. She wasn't old enough to understand that she hadn't done anything wrong. It was a difficult heartbreaking time for me as a parent. It it still an open wound for me and it is something that is forefront in my mind. This being said, I am very wary of letting someone get involved into that aspect of my life. My job as a mother is to protect them and I think that means emotionally as well. 

I feel like I'm stuck in limbo between the age brackets. Guys that are my age tend to not want a premade family of 3 or someday want children of their OWN which isn't possible for me anymore. Although I can be immature at times, I think I have an old soul which often means I don't feel a connection with them because our viewpoints on what is a priority is different. One of the great loves of my life is on the opposite end of the spectrum at the ripe ole age of 52. We were wonderful together when it was just "US" in the equation. However, he had children my age and grandchildren. He wanted to live his life without the hindrance of raising children again. Since I've still got a good 13 years left of hands on parenting, we had to be realistic and call like it is. Impossible. 

Lack of a sitter means my social life has suffered SEVERELY. I can count on one hand the nights out I've had this year. Romance and wooing me is kinda hard to do when you don't get to see me. I'll be honest and say that I haven't really tried to get out, no one has stricken me as truly worthwhile. In the past when I've found someone I like and feel comfortable with I don't have a problem with them visiting me at my place..AFTER kids in bed. On the rare occasions someone has stayed over my alarm is set for bout an hour before kids due to get up so I can make sure they don't see him. I recently got into an argument with said above love of life because he called it juvenile. In a way I suppose the sneaking factor is..I prefer to think of it as roleplay and find the kinky side of it. Just kiddin (or am I?) It really lit a fire under my ass when he said that though. Why on earth would I let my kids meet someone I know isn't going to stick around? Even if I THINK he may be in for the long haul, its still going to be awhile before kids mesh with potential suitor. 

Lastly, to be it bluntly- I'm a handful and then some. I've got emotional baggage.  Lots. I've had multiple exes that were physically abusive, been cheated on, walked out on. You name it and I've probably been there, done that, and came home with the t-shirt. I'm stubborn, prideful, exasperating. I have lots of layers and most guys aren't willing to put in the time and effort to peel them all back. I'm fully aware that I'm not the easiest person to deal with, but once you get past my barriers I love as hard as I play. I'm not going to waste space tootin' my own horn, but I know for the right guy I could be amazing. 

I'm not a man hater, I still believe in romance. Maybe not fairy tale endings anymore though. I'm sure my Mr. Right will come along one day. He will most likely be a parent who understands my lifestyle and a unique man with a strong passionate personality to match mine. I know he will be kick ass fantastic because he's gonna have to be in order to hang with me! I'm not perfect and only human, so there have been times where the need for companionship has led me to Mr. Right Now. C'est la vie. In the meantime YES, I am ok with being single. I'm not going to settle for just anyone. Ordinary is a dime a dozen and I'm holding out for the EXCEPTION. Hmm...future blog idea maybe? Find a boyfriend application I can post online?*wink wink*